|Hi - crozz posteded - sorry
||[Sep. 25th, 2003|07:54 pm]
Feeling Sorry For Myself
|||||"#1 Crush" - Garbage||]|
Hello to all. I've watched many groups for a while and never really contributed much. It was often just comforting to know that I'm not alone in my anxiety and fears. I have panic disorder with severe anxiety about driving. The panic seems to strike at random and I'm not sure what I can do. Most often, I can manage to function through it in a "normal" manner as far as everyone else is concerned while my brain and body are screaming at me to get away and hide.
I don't know if there's anyone that I deal with in "real life" that doesn't give me the impression that they think I should just "get over it". It's impossible to explain and I always feel like they trivialize it.
The worst occurance was recently with the perdon I love and trusted most in the world. I believed when she said we'd go through everything together. We've faced some tough trials and I can honestly say that no matter if I felt what she was doing was good, bad, or indifferent, I was the rock she could cry on, lay on or kick if need be.
My turn. I was flat out told that she didn't love me and she didn't want to be tied down to me and the things that surround me. I'm not into drugs, I drink once or so a month, I have 2 beautiful daughters and a fairly successful and fun job.
The main things I deal with are a lack of ego, self esteem, I feel like everything thinks I'm worthless and unloved and I'm afraid of the world. When panic hits, I shake, cry and think everyone is watching me. I don't want to burden others with what I feel are my own faults and still attempt to make sure they are happy and carefree. I'm pretty good at it but sometimes it gets the best of me. Like this week.
Work, abandonment, no one to trust or talk to, feeling like I'm invisible and insignificant all came to a head. I sat and dreamed that I would be picked up from the face of the earth by a giant hand and taken away. I never want to die. I just want to be away from things for a bit.
The truly ironic thing, is I work in the entertainment field where I have to be "on" on command. No matter what I feel like at that moment, I have to Jeckyl and Hyde it to become Mr. Showbiz. That's the most draining part of my week.
I suppose I've rambled enough at this point. There's tons more to tell so ask away. When it hits the fan, I tend to hide but if I feel safe in certain situations, I peek out.